Grumble,Rumble,Roar & Thunder: I Thought I Knew When to Fold 'Em

 Well I guess I thought I knew...

Here I am now in  the last vestiages of 2014 just feeling the stirrings of writing or creating but with a clearer understanding of what belies me.

I wrote this little snippet below in January, 2013:


It has been an exceptional long time since I've written much if anything here. I've been in a soul survival mode. Too much to delve in & I have no desire,to go into instant replay.

I am going to leave my hometown for the very last time. There will be no more returning to live. I'm just not "there" any longer. I'll havr to have small vignettes here, but live? I seriously doubt it. In this last 30% of my lifr is, will be mine to enjoy, not fighting what has already past, the memo wasn't delivered. As Thomas Paine once said " To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead".

I got my reasoning back. When all been said & done, there will be more said & done. I just don't want what's been already spoken.

No great brainer, but I am still here... In the year since I wrote the snippet above something happened.  No not with the exterior world, but in my own world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Shucks half the time I don't even understand my journey Lol.

 

Calling Deep to Deep~ My Turn in Time...

A Call out; A Request

I am hoping someone may know of a theater I believed was called the Jax (sp)Theater adjacent to Booker T Washington High School in the 1950's.  If any pictures, a street name or anything will be appreciated. I know it had to be near S. Roman in Central City.  Also I am trying to find the name of a movie theater in the Lower 9th Ward near Andry St & Alfred Lawless School in New Orleans.  

Thank you JHM

I wrote these poems when I returned to La, not back to New Orleans but to a very tiny town that I did not know until time for me to leave that I was not even 30 minutes from the birthplace of my grandmother Sally born around 1885 & my mother born in 1914.  I learned a lot in that one year some of which made me understand more of New Orleans or being in the South in general.  

It also got me going on picking up where I had left off, developing the stories of my visual art into a compilation of short stories.

I was able to connect lots of threads not only in my personal family but as a general rule the cultural experiences relearning my life as a Southern woman with a definitive West Coast groove mired into my personal moxie.  To say it was hard work would be a  serious understatement but at the same time their was an almost psychic relief in unspoken why's I had not been successful in relieving before.

Yesterday I had an oppportunity to speak with my eldest sister who is technically old enough to be my mother who I met for the very 1st time when I was 15.  I knew of her, but she was married had moved to California when I was a baby.

I learned a lot about my family through her recollections, filling in spaces I had not been able to not of lack of want and some heavy duty research, but there was still lots of unanswers...She was from my mother's first marriage so she was at an advantage of knowing my father while he courted & married my mother, to telling me about one great-grandmother who died the year I was born as well as my grandfather who died when I was barely 4.  She also knew some of the other great-great grandparents.

Well lo & behold I now have names dating back to 1850's in a missing link/branch of the family, what my father did for a living before I was born (he was a projectionist for a movie theater in the 1940's after serving in WWII).  It explains my early love of movies which the 1st one I had recollections of was Imitation of Life of which I wept for days afterward.  

I now know MY grandson has an ancestor, a great-great-great-great grandfather that too bears his name of Isaiah & who was enslaved.  He has a name & a last name & a marriage license to a woman name Laia with who he married post-emancipation.

Sale of John  for $1150 circa1854:

Man with medals 1840:

Oh the irony of discovering this on the 150th anniversary of the Civil War!

 Union soldiers 1860

My story today,however, is not about the Civil War or the criminal horrors of slavery.

It is about learning so much more about my family that were property owners, long marriages, long lives sacrifices, dreams some realized, many sabotaged.  I am learning something about life long before I was a twinkle in my parents eyes.

I also because of my sister have addresses of where some of these famil members lived & the houses still exist.  Thanks to Google map, I found my grandfather brother's home, my great-grandmother's home, even the neighborhood  I spent some of my adolescence in.  Amazing despite some of the minor "improvements", some of the pervasive landscaping that was there then 50 years ago sans the gravekl road now paved, it is still the same.  

NOTE:  I did not grow up in rural Louisiana.  I grew up in the city, pre-Civil Rights when segregation reign supreme.  I am from New Orleans, spent the tweener and early teen years in the state capital before going on to California.  So no stereotypical assumptions, y'all.    I had mixed emotions seeing some of the neighborhoods I knew as a child & going on into adolescence.    

My sister is sending me of all things which I am going to have framed some left over WWII war ration books that belong to my grandparents still intact which I will have shadowboxed & some of my mothers clothes and jewelry which will be repurposed.

NOTE: My mother is still alive & kickin'.  She will be 96 in June & still in her full mental capabilities.  My family tends to live to the 90's & 100's yrs.  It amused me for a moment that my sister was sending me some of my mother's clothes to wear when I am a whole foot taller then she, however I will make a quilt out of it.

So that is my story and here are the poems:

Coming Back South

By Jacquelyn Hughes Mooney©03

I came back South, not to pick wildflowers…

I came back not to see butterflies, clovers nor drink mint juleps.

I did not come back South for overly romantic, haunting reminiscing…

The mysteries that continue to tug at my heart.

Or to untangle the 19,228 yesterdays that laid up in the marshy soils.

And under the weeping willows or anchor itself in the marrow of faces…

Of ones who were not mercifully taken away from here.

I came back south to fathom the unbelievable…

The seemingly unreachable…

Persnickety tumbling on those back roads…

A paradigm on surface appearance seems to have no rhyme or reason.

I came back south to listen to wind sounds intertwined in trees at dusk.

And high moons at noon in June that shouldn’t be there.

Ancient winds of times blowing to unveil shield treasures…

To unfold secrets too many folks try to cover up, cover over

So for once we can all stop pretending

And that is why I came south.

All rights reserved JHM 3-24-03©

Coming Back South (Epilouge)

By Jacquelyn Hughes Mooney©03

And now I know…

Why things are as crazy as they are.

Folks just be a’moaning, just a’groaning…

Because they don’t know what they can’t see,

It can’t be my reality.

I ponder the paradox of a parasitic course.

Crushed souls crushing others into pulverized matter.

131,400 days of loathing.

And the monstrosity that grew, bathing all it came into contact with (even today).

Drenching everything and everybody that dared to be born.

Or challenge their right to live or perchance to dream.

Now I know the what’s…

And the why’d that you did to mothersfathersunclescousins and others.

Operating this carousel of delusions, a mirage for all the mismashed…

That was supposed to pass for living.

This is your reality.

Then the involuntary participants engaged themselves by becoming willing partners…

In this madcap twist.

Now I know what pounded all my days, all 18,245 (not counting leap years).

Folks just be a’moaning, just a groaning, ‘cause they don’t know what they can’t see.

It will not be my reality.

But watch those that have an elaborate scheme just putting on a show!

Pretending that everything is all right (when it ain’t).

And you go grazing through numbed motions feeding on the craziness.

If you must lie to the world, do not lie to yourself.

Folks just a’moaning…

Because they don’t know what they can’t see.

There is a life larger then this.

And you are larger then that!

Life is so plump and rich that it dares to swell you beyond capacity.

But will not delay or destroy all what you have to give.

See the doves flying over the valley of 1,000 hills, no longer crying

“I don’t know why, its too late, too late, too late”.

It will continue to be crazy as long as you want.

Folks be a’moaning, just a ‘groaning because they don’t know what they can’t see.

It is not my reality.

All rights reservedJHM6-16-03©

Potrait of a woman 1850

If for All We have~Kipling

Oh Happy Day: Go with it;Flow with it JHM©11

"I want to be lean and clean for the future, dust off my wings. I know for sure that doing so will make it easier to fly."~  Oprah

"Stash's Sunset" photography by JHM©08

I am just in a good place right now and I am simply going to enjoy it...Circumstances around me have not altered to any great degree.  I'm just very happy.

Happy is as happy does and what I am going to do is flow with it, go with it.   I don't have to work to prolong it,simply enjoy the feeling. 

I have sunlight streaming through all my front windows, listening to my favorite show CBS' Sunday Morning, preparing to read my Sunday paper and have a healthy breakfast.

I joined several groups recently who have similar interests.  Maybe it is the shared interests that suits my sensibilities is contributing to my feeling of continual happiness, I don't know. 

I am simply going to go with it; flow with it.

Maybe it was going through some of my photography and remembering the pleasure in shooting them helped.

"Betty's Table" photography by JHM©10

Don't matter;I am simly going to enjoy it.

Could have been my finishing up a project that I've procrastinated for weeks, sticking with it and knowing it is done and I don't have to do it again contributed...

Don't matter; I'm going to enjoy it anyway.

Or it could have been dreaming about decorating a new loft space with wonderful floor to ceiling windows in a new space, relishing the challenge of shaping it into what will work for me now, where I am now having said to myself it is just doggone fine to now format my space for who I am today.  Feeling my adventuresome self, seeing the world with childlike wonder and old school experience could be fueling this.

Don't matter; I am going to go with it;flow with it...

Or is it seeing images of veggies and flowers who have long since returned back to the soil to replenish and re nourish?

"Arty-chokey" phtographyJHM©08

Or seeing a picture of my eldest daughter with 2 of my grandbabies (her niece & nephew) sound asleep. She was on her off day from work and helping her sister out so she could get to work.  It makes me feel good that my children do indeed have a sense of community.

Or the trust my grandbaby, Tassandra age 11months,secured in sleep that all is right in the world, even if the world is not acting right, that Mom & Dad, Auntie and Grammy will make it alright with all they got.

And big brother Tevin almost 3yrs can camp for the camera:

Maybe it contributes. Don't matter; I am just going to go with it; flow with it

Could it be possible that shutting down a situation that was an exercise in futility; of releasing someone to go where they need to go as long as it is not near me be a contributing factor?

Don't matter,I am simply going to go with it; flow with it.

I had been so stagnant in trying to get the mojo working keeping it going which is almost near impossible to do with so many things working in opposition to what was need.  I had thrown my hands in the air as I could not push what was not there.  For those who can, more power to you!  I applaud that ability; it is  a skill I do not have or acquire and don't see the likelihood that I will.

I've always known in the later years of my life that there is always a way out of no way if as my good friend would say "if I could smooth myself out of the way".  I am what I am, a work in progress & as I figure it out, things get done.

And done well, I do tell...

Has this acquired knowledge contributed to feeling happy?

I am simply going to go with it; flow with it.

"The foolish (wo)man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his/her feet".~- James Oppenheim

"Standing out in a Crowd" PhotographyJHM©08

All rights reservedJHM©11

What I am Clear (About) ..What I am Not...

"Sometimes the very thing you are looking for is found in the very thing you weren't".~ YKWTD (You Know What To Do)

Decisions,decisions, decisions.  Will they ever go away?

Well if you are over the age of 5, no.  Although I say this somewhat in cheek, making decisions is hard work.  It may not seem that way say if someone is deciding "Is he the one" or "Do I take this job although it means moving away from my family"  or do I want mayo AND mustard"?  Some decisions are harder to make (or keep) then others.

Time and experiences make some decisions really easy to make and implement without nary a bump.

And then there are the others...

I have to make somewhat painful decisions; this I am clear.

What I am not is do I want to do this? Will I do it.

What I am clear about is I need to do things for my well being.

What I am not is how.

What I am very clear about is that my present situation needs a radical change.

What I am not is not can I be radical but WILL I be radical.

I've not doubted for a minute my returning home to my beloved city of New Orleans was a right one, I now doubt whether long time I will stay.  And it is not that I don't want to, but I've changed.  The city is changing, some of it very good and badly needed, others well, it is the same old song just repackaged.

Mind you as I say this that it is not you who are not from here, never visited here and only know what the news tell you , which is so blown out of proportion, bad schools, extreme poverty, over the top crime  yada yada yada, it is not anywhere near that.

We have to remember even with so called  "traditional" news the "if it bleeds, it leads" mentality rules.  Here is a radical concept: New Orleans is really no different then many major cities (and minor ones, towns or boroughs) in its ills.  But it true Franco-Lousiane manner it is blown way out of proportion.

What it is is a place steel reeling trying to restore its equilibrium after the most devastating (un)natural disaster in the history of this country & having carpetbaggers, visionaries, the young seeking adventures, hipsters, con artists, idealist & people rife on exploitation who have jumped into this restoration gumbo with little thinking of what or how to go about it without destroying the city.

And in this flux, I am clear that it is going to be a heck of a lot more work involved and more  hands involved working extraordinarily, exceptionally hard to do the almost near impossible, but possible  retaining/maintaining a measure of control.  In every aspect of this we can sometimes wrecking havoc on our health & well being; of not knowing or seeing the way out; wanting to be as healthy, as autonomous, as fully engaged as we need to be while the world once known is fragmented.  Of putting pieces back together or really fully have what is needed so one can indeed be independent, contributing community.

Or individual...

The way is not always clear.

Sometimes things gets muddled, we may have to redirect, revisit the choices and then step out...

Radically.

Understand I am not exercising the often futile sport of what is wrong with New Orleans or what is wrong with me... This is clear.

What is not is how to stop this sick sport from continuing.

I am clear that while undergoing the worst time of the worst time of my life, I am happy that I am not gone backwards in my work on reaching a healthy weight.  Truly there is plenty of room for improvement, but I am good with that...

What is not is will it happen here? Can I do more to reduce even more the chronic stress that continues to keep my blood pressure high?

The easy answer is yes; 'cept it ain't that easy.  

On paper the answer are definitive; get my economic circumstance improved and the rest will (truly) fall into place...Duh..

What is not clear is How? Where? When?

I am at the conclusion there is some huge really bad cosmic joke being played, but I did not get the punchline. 

 And the joke is being played over & over until I get it.

Alright! already!

If determination, fortitude, resilience, effort, heart, drive was money I would be wealthy enough to rival Gates, Winfrey or Forbes. And telling me I am not alone doesn't help.  It stresses me more just knowing more people are hurting and hurting as badly if not worse then I am.   And that raises my blood pressure more, not less.

Just like with my home town as it is going along trying to really shape its future and its present, so am I.  As a good friend calls it, something we have to smooth ourselves out of the way in order to make that way.  

We are in perilous times, far more serious then people like or want to believe.  I am not talking from a national time, but a global one.  There is a lot of shifting going on and whether we want it or not we are on the ride of a lifetime.

That I am clear...

What I am not is so what do I do now?

A friend had this on a email she sent me:

"Searching for a miracle, expecting the impossible"

So I guess now I've answer my own question...

And hold on...

What's difficult in life is to stay centered when somebody does 
or says something that tempts us to close our hearts 
because their heart was closed. That is hard. ~
-Marianne Williamson

Walk this Way: I am STILL Grinnin'

I am still grinning this morning albeit a wee bit sore as I took advantage of a beautiful  winter day  that seemed more like spring & not January .  An urgent need to get  to the post office necessitated my getting out to walk.  I didn't need a lot of prodding.

Round trip it took me about 45 minutes thereabouts as I was walking a tad bit slow to test out the knees since I knew it was an increase in  how far I've walked previously...

I had not been out in the last month because of the see-saw  inclement weather which gave me plenty of excuses not to go although I did a lot of micro-walks inside my home.  Apparently it worked as apart from some minor soreness which indicated I gave my body a workout without over taxing still had me just a'smilin' this morning.

And I slept very well to boot!

I got to see another side of my neighborhood on streets I had not seen to see the still ongoing construction & re-sparking of homes still in disrepair from Katrina and was happy.  Some homes are far more modest but nonetheless gratifying to see what is happening.

I so wished I had my camera.

I enjoyed the birds chirping the sun beaming and the pure injoyment in the physicality of what I was doing!

And then I saw as I neared my street, first seeing him from a distance, a man who is an amputee very slowly on crutches taking  his walk.  He had as I saw when I came up on him, had his leg amputated to his knee & the other leg was twisted inward.

But there he was walking away, inch by inch, step by step with his crutches. In the time it took me to walk the block, he may have walked 1/4 of a block.  But there he was...

He turned to come back in the direction I was so apparently he lived from where I was coming from and I lived in the direction  he was coming from.  I just grinned and spoke.  He smiled and we kept on our way.

I am going to make it a point to travel that street again in case I see him and perhaps on a good day we can walk together even if it is just a block.  I have no desire to invade his privacy  (and I like my time alone too).  Nor do I need to see him as a special case because he is an amputee, but as one disabled to another, we are telling the world we are "other able".

It was good simply because we both just plugged in, each dealing with our own level of challenged but nonetheless doing what we needed to do.

Today is suppose to be yet another glorious day into the low 60's & I will  walk this way again not knowing who or what I will connect with even if it is just for a minute...

I just want to be Jo(sophine )cool about it all...